How To Become an Alcoholic (In 12 Steps or Less!): A Pseudo Guide to Making (Some Bad) Choices

photo by Anderson Rian

Sometimes life gets tough, and you might feel like you need something to take the edge off. Maybe you’ve heard that alcohol can be the answer, but you’re not sure how to make it part of your life. Well, look no further. This guide is here to walk you through the process—step by step—of how to turn alcohol into your go-to solution for every problem.

From turning casual drinking into a habit, to learning how to justify every choice along the way, we’ll show you how to make alcohol a central part of your life.

Follow these steps carefully, and you just might find yourself on a one-way path toward dependence.

Pseudo Psays: Take note that this guide is written ironically. It illustrates the slippery-slope one rides on their way toward substance abuse, and in no way does it encourage alcohol dependency.

How To Become an Alcoholic - Step 1: Start with a Drink

So, you want to become an alcoholic. The first step? Simple: start with a drink. I know, I know—this sounds too easy, right? But hear me out. Alcohol is like that first slice of cake at a party. No one’s judging you, and it’s not too much, simply a little something to break the ice.

It could be a cocktail at a bar, a beer at a BBQ, or that glass of wine your aunt insists is the perfect pair for everything. Maybe it’s a Monday night, maybe it’s a Saturday—no judgment here. You’re not committing to anything crazy. It’s only one drink, after all.

At first, you’ll probably feel a little too warm, like you’ve been wrapped in a cozy blanket. That’s the magic of it. You’re not merely drinking; you’re joining the world. It’s like dipping your toes into a pool, testing the water, and realizing—it’s actually kinda nice. Isn’t it?

The best part? It’s social. You’re not drinking alone (yet). The world is your oyster, and it’s offering you a shot—literally. You don’t even need to understand what’s in it. You’ll figure that out later.

Step 2: Build a Routine

Now we’re getting into the real work. This isn’t only about one drink, no sir (or madam). If you’re serious about this whole alcoholism thing, you’ll need to build a routine. You can’t expect to go from zero to hero overnight. That’s just lazy.

Start small—nothing too drastic. Maybe it’s a drink with dinner, or you casually reward yourself after a long, hard day by cracking open a cold one. You’re not an alcoholic yet, remember? This is all part of the process.

Here’s where things get sneaky. It won’t feel like you’re doing anything wrong. Oh no, not at all. At first, it’s a glass here, a beer there—totally normal, right? People do this all the time. It’s nothing more than social lubrication, like oil in a well-oiled machine. Except, eventually, you’ll start to oil the machine a little too much. And that machine? It’s you.

By now, you’ve established the ritual. Drink at five, after work. Maybe again at eight, when you’re “winding down.” Soon, your brain starts to wire itself to these cues. Dinner? Drink time. Stress? Drink time. It’s all about setting the stage for the next steps, see? So long as you keep that routine going, it won’t feel weird. Not even a little.

Before long, you’ll be able to tell people, with a straight face, that you don’t drink to get drunk—you drink because it’s part of your lifestyle. It’s practically a personality trait at this point. And what’s better than a personality trait that includes a glass of something strong in hand?

Step 3: Perfect the Art of Justifying

Ah, justification. This is the magic word, the secret sauce that will help you twist the narrative of your life into something that fits the alcohol-fueled fantasy you’ve been building. You don’t want to drink for drinking’s sake—no, no. You need to justify it. You need a reason, a cause, a deep existential explanation as to why this drink isn’t simply a drink, but a necessity.

First things first: Learn the art of the “just one more.” That’s right, it starts with convincing yourself that a single glass of wine isn’t enough to soothe the soul. No, you deserve another. It’s for your health, after all. Red wine is good for the heart, they say. You’ve heard it on every food blog. And didn’t the doctor mention something about antioxidants, or was it merely an excuse for your body to relax? Either way, it's scientific, right?

When friends or family give you the side-eye for your second (or third) round, don't panic. Simply give them a knowing nod. You know the drill: “I’ve had a long day,” “I’m unwinding,” “You would too if you were me.” That last one’s a good one—cue the “I’m the victim here” routine. They can’t argue with that. It's relatable. Everyone loves a tragic hero.

But the real fun begins when you get creative. Why limit yourself to basic justifications? You’re not basic. You’re a connoisseur. Start justifying in new ways: Maybe it's your creative process. Writers drink for inspiration, right? Or maybe you’re re-enacting that scene from your favorite movie. “Hey, it’s exactly like that time in Casablanca. I’m simply following the script.” Drink to the memory of cinema greatness. Your internal Oscar speech practically writes itself.

And if all else fails, play the nostalgia card. “This reminds me of my college days.” Ah yes, the glory days when your liver was invincible and your stomach still had some semblance of dignity. Everyone respects a good nostalgia trip, and, at the very least, you’ll have a little laugh as you sip away the evening.

But here’s the thing: The more you justify, the more right you’ll feel. Before long, you won’t even need to justify it to anyone but yourself. You’ve convinced your own brain it’s fine. And if your brain says it’s fine, well, it must be true, right?

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Step 4: Establish Your Own Definitions of 'Moderation'

Moderation. It’s a concept so ancient, so elusive, it might as well be a myth. Who needs it? Not you, my friend. You’re an innovator. You’re the Picasso of personal vices, the Shakespeare of overindulgence. Why bother with moderation when you can redefine it for your own convenience?

First, let’s look at the classics: The 8 oz. glass of wine, the half-pint of beer, the “reasonable” pour. These are suggestions, guidelines, that other people seem to follow. But let’s be real: They’re boring. Your definition of moderation is a bit more… expansive. Start by increasing your baseline. A “glass of wine” could be a bottle. A “beer” could be a six-pack, a “small cocktail” might as well be a bucket. The key here is to stretch the definition of moderation, like taffy on a hot day.

Now, let’s dive into the beautiful world of self-imposed rules. You’ll need a few of these, and they should sound important. You know, something that really sounds responsible. “I only drink when I’m at home” is a classic, though, feel free to customize: “I only drink on days that end in ‘y,’” or “I only drink when it’s raining,” or my personal favorite: “I only drink when I’m in the presence of at least three or more friends.” The key here is to create rules that give you an illusion of control, even if they’re completely arbitrary and designed to be broken.

A good rule might involve the idea of saving alcohol for ‘special occasions.’ But here’s where you get tricky: You make every day a special occasion. Tuesday? Sure, that’s a special occasion. Thursday night? Why not? It’s basically the weekend, right? Monday? Well, after the grueling start of the week, you deserve it.

But don’t be afraid to get creative here. The beauty of your personal definition of moderation is that it can change depending on the situation. You’re in a good mood? Moderation goes out the window. You’ve had a bad day? Let’s just say the wine glass is really a measuring cup, and we’re going for a full pour, maybe two. You might even find yourself recalculating your mental equations to make your indulgence seem reasonable. “Oh, I only drank half of my usual last time,” you might tell yourself, “so tonight I get to have an extra serving. That’s fair, right?”

But here's the kicker: As long as you’re the one making the rules, you’re in control. And isn’t that the most satisfying part? The feeling that you’ve cracked the code of moderation, that you can live in a world where “one more” is always a reasonable answer. You’ll create a whole new system of moderation—a magical land where the glass is always half full, and the limit is only a suggestion.

Step 5: Recognize the Power of the Routine

Now that you’ve mastered the art of self-doubt and found solace in the bottle, it's time to cultivate a healthy (or unhealthy, depending on your perspective) routine. The key to long-term commitment to any new habit—especially one as noble as alcoholism—is consistency. You must train your mind and body to crave the liquid refuge at certain times of day.

For instance, every day at precisely 4:45 PM, a window will open in your soul. This window is the perfect size to fit a gin and tonic, preferably in a glass that makes you look like you know exactly what you’re doing. The ritual is critical: it’s not about the drink, it’s about how you drink it. It’s about the slow pour, the delicate clink of ice against glass, the slight murmur of “Ahhh” as it hits your tongue—like an artist putting the final strokes on a masterpiece. Every evening, without fail. Your body learns when it’s time to be both at ease and on edge.

Of course, you may not feel it at first. In fact, the first few times you try to establish your routine, you’ll probably feel like you’re just a small child playing dress-up, pretending to be an adult. And that’s fine. It’s all part of the process. Eventually, though, you’ll realize that the moment you hear the clink of a bottle or the ice cubes tumbling into your glass, something inside you clicks. You’ll be hooked, not because the alcohol is working its magic (though it does, eventually) but because you’ve discovered the perfect act of self-sabotage disguised as self-care.

Now, don’t get cocky. Routines take time. And if you’re still trying to maintain balance in the chaos of life, well, congratulations. You've finally reached the point where the alcohol’s real power begins to manifest. You won’t merely want it. You’ll need it. The great irony? You’ll get so good at needing it that you’ll barely notice when you’ve crossed the line from “enjoying a drink” to “drinking to survive.” That, my friend, is the true artistry of becoming an alcoholic.

Step 6: Don’t Forget to Celebrate Your Successes (Even If They’re Tiny)

Now that you’re well on your way to cultivating a finely tuned routine of drinking, it’s time to reward yourself for your progress. You’ve earned it, after all. Sure, you may have inadvertently alienated a few friends, lost a bit of dignity along the way, and experienced some uncomfortable mornings—but look at you now! Your new routine is fully in place, and you’ve figured out how to hide the signs of your daily indulgence, all while maintaining that sparkling exterior. Bravo!

It’s essential to celebrate even the smallest victories—because if you wait for the big ones, you’ll be stuck waiting for a long time. Maybe it’s a victory lap in the form of a late-night trip to the fridge, where you indulge in a snack (which might also be covered in wine residue), or maybe it’s a quiet moment in your car where you give yourself a pep talk before heading into your next social gathering. Whatever it is, make it special. Acknowledge that you're doing exactly what you set out to do. This isn't just about surviving life; it's about thriving within the chaos you’ve created. You’re an artist of personal destruction, a virtuoso of numbing yourself. Don’t let anyone tell you it’s wrong. It’s your art.

Don’t forget to add in a tiny self-congratulatory remark here and there—“Look at me, I’ve made it through another day and I’m still breathing!” Bonus points if you say it with a ridiculous amount of pride in your voice, even if you’re saying it alone in your kitchen at 2 AM. This, my friend, is what it means to embrace your journey. Anyone can drink to forget; few can drink to celebrate such an achievement. You are a drinking enthusiast now. Hold your glass high!

And if, in your celebratory haze, you accidentally send a text to an ex, leave a sloppy comment on someone’s social media page, or make that one phone call you promised yourself you’d avoid, well—it’s fine. Really. It's fine. Those minor slip-ups are simply the byproducts of your burgeoning success. In fact, they make the victory all the more satisfying, don’t you think?

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Step 7: Avoid That Thing Called “Self-Awareness” at All Costs

Self-awareness is for suckers. Who needs it? Certainly not you. You’re in control, remember? Anyone who tries to make you feel guilty for your choices, or worse, points out how you’re clearly spiraling into oblivion, is just jealous. They don’t know what it’s like to be this free. Who are they to lecture you about being “too drunk” or “drinking too much”? They probably don’t even know the joy of a morning hangover that feels like a spiritual awakening.

So, the next step in keeping your journey alive and well: ignore the glaring signs that things might be going sideways. You don't need to notice the slurred speech, the inability to hold a conversation without repeating yourself, or the sudden urge to tell everyone within earshot about your high school prom night. Nope, that's all part of the fun. If someone says you seem "off," simply laugh it off with a “Who, me? I’m perfectly fine, thanks!” and then take a long, exaggerated gulp of whatever beverage you’ve decided is your new “comfort drink.” Bonus points if you make it a weird combo—vodka and grape juice? Why not? Who says you can’t enjoy a morning drink with lunch? That’s your prerogative now.

When self-awareness knocks at your door, slam it shut. Take a cue from your emotional numbness and remind yourself that you’re just fine. In fact, you’re the best version of yourself! Sure, you’re more forgetful than a goldfish, and you might occasionally forget where you put your phone (or your keys... or your dignity), but at least you're not too aware of it, right?

If you happen to remember things you said while drunk—those unsolicited, brutally honest opinions you delivered to your boss or best friend—don’t worry about it. You're not the one who has a problem; it's them for not appreciating your “truth.” Everyone needs a little tough love, and if they’re offended, well, they probably deserve it.

Step 8: Welcome the Isolation with Open Arms

Now we’re getting somewhere. Isolation is the unspoken friend of the alcohol enthusiast. At first, it feels like a choice, right? You’re only taking a little “me time.” Just a little “space” to figure things out. Maybe you even tell yourself you're simply doing a “solo retreat” because your brain needs a vacation from people. Who wants to go to parties and listen to people’s boring small talk when you could drink at home, alone, in peace? The best conversations happen with yourself anyway, right?

The key to truly embracing isolation is to start small. Maybe you stop going out on weekends. That’s fine; you’re just saving money. Or perhaps you skip that family gathering because you can’t be bothered to deal with their judgmental stares as you pour your third glass of wine. They don’t understand you like you do. They wouldn’t even know what to say to you if you actually showed up, so why bother?

Before you know it, “a night alone with your thoughts” becomes a regular thing. You stop texting your friends. They don’t understand your lifestyle anymore, anyway. You stop answering their calls. You don’t need to explain yourself to anyone—your time is too precious to waste on people who won’t let you enjoy a nice, quiet evening with your best friend: a bottle of wine.

It’s only natural for your circle to shrink as the isolation sets in. Slowly, without you noticing, people start to drift away. Your friends get sick of hearing the same stories over and over (you know, the ones that seem funnier when you’ve had a few too many). And your family? Well, they’re too busy living their normal lives, and they probably don’t get how cool it is to be in your own world.

Isn’t it great? To be rid of those toxic people? They’ll never understand you the way your “friends” at the bottom of the bottle do.

Step 9: Deny the Growing Consequences—Because, Really, Who Needs Sleep Anyway?

Now, here's where things really start to get fun. Sure, you may notice some slight side effects creeping in, but hey, who’s perfect? If you’re waking up at 3 AM, wondering why your head feels like it’s been filled with cement, don’t sweat it. That’s simply your body reminding you that you’re alive, right? It’s called “character building.” Sure, you’ve got a headache, but you’ve also earned it.

And what about the memory lapses? Forgetting whole conversations, or more importantly, what you said during those conversations? It’s probably for the best. You were only talking about boring stuff anyway—don’t you want to live in the present? The past is clutter. You’ve got enough going on in the now. Who needs to remember what they said to the neighbor about their kid’s soccer game anyway?

And, oh—sleep. How could we forget about sleep? You might be staying up later and later, thinking, “Why sleep when you can be with your true love—alcohol?” Eventually, you might notice that waking up every morning feeling like someone’s replaced your brain with a soggy sponge is a regular thing. Sure, you're a little foggy, but at least you’re living in the moment. The kind of moments where reality blurs with imagination and, really, who needs a full night’s rest to be productive anyway?

Your skin’s starting to look a little... off. Is it dehydration? Lack of sleep? Maybe it’s the natural glow of being in touch with your real self. No one needs those pesky wrinkles from stress, anyway. Besides, wrinkles give character. And who can really blame you? You’ve been putting in the work—every sip is like a small victory.

But don’t worry. It’s only a phase. You’ve been through worse, right? A little self-sabotage never killed anyone. It’s simply the price you pay for living life on your terms.

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Step 10: Reap the Harvest of Consequences—Oh, But Don’t Worry, You’re Just Getting Started!

Now, welcome to the grand finale, the beautiful crescendo of your journey. You’ve put in the work, and guess what? It’s paying off in the most delightful ways. Sure, you might have lost a job, a relationship, or perhaps even the ability to remember how to use a fork correctly. But don’t focus on that—look at what you’ve gained!

First off, you’ve acquired an expert-level skill in avoidance. No one can look past you at a party quite like you can—because you’ve mastered the art of ducking into the kitchen to refill your glass when things get too real. Your friends? They’ve noticed. Your family? Oh, they’re totally fine with it. After all, it’s a phase, right? They’ll tell you things like “Maybe you should slow down,” but they’re just being dramatic. They don’t get it. You’ve got a good thing going.

And the hangovers? Let’s talk about those. They’re simply another flavor of life, a reminder that you’re truly living on the edge. Sure, you’ve probably tried to Google how to get rid of a hangover in less than six hours, but what if that’s the fun part? The ritual of suffering through it, sipping ginger tea while secretly wishing you could’ve had more wine instead. That’s growth, baby. That’s character development.

The biggest reward? You’ll start to notice the quieting of things. The voices of doubt, the nagging reminders that maybe, just maybe, this isn’t quite as fun as it used to be, will begin to fade into the background. You’ll tune out those silly little things like your health, your future, or any shred of dignity you may have had left. You’re a free spirit now, letting the universe take care of the messy bits.

Remember—true freedom is found when you stop worrying about the price you’ll pay tomorrow. You’ll only live once, right? So go ahead and embrace the chaos, because in the end, it’s not about how many pieces you’ve shattered—it’s about how great the crash sounds.

If you’ve reached this point, you’re good to go. You can officially call yourself an alcoholic.

But for those looking to earn a PhD (the D is for Drinking), continue with the next two steps.

Step 11: Ignore the Mirror—It’s Probably Broken Anyway

By now, you've truly embraced your path. The reflection staring back at you in the mirror? Well, that’s nothing more than a suggestion. It’s not you, it’s merely some faint image that tries to remind you of things like balance and self-control. But why bother with that? Mirrors are overrated.

You’ve stopped looking for the person you used to be. That old version of you was weak, insecure, and probably had too many dreams—what a nerd. The new you? Strong. Resilient. You’ve learned to exist in a state of glorious disarray. The bags under your eyes? That’s just proof that you’re working hard at something—doesn't even matter what. Your posture? Who cares. You’ve perfected the hunched-over, “I-don’t-need-to-stand-up-straight” posture that screams ‘I’m deep,’ like some tortured artist whose work is too important to be viewed by the untrained eye.

So, forget the mirror. It’s not a reflection; it’s a distraction. You know who you are. You’re the embodiment of freedom. Who needs self-reflection when you’ve perfected self-denial?

Step 12: Make Sure the Story Never Ends

You’ve made it. You’ve arrived at the pinnacle of your journey, and now it’s time to keep going. Because what’s a victory without an endless loop of more victories? Or, you know, endless failures—but what’s a failure if not a victory waiting for a fresh coat of denial?

You’re not the same person who started this journey. You’ve become someone new, someone unstoppable—as long as that next drink is within arm’s reach. You’ll keep telling yourself that the next party, the next round, the next sip will finally be the one that makes everything click into place. It’ll fix your life. It’ll make the world seem right. And when it doesn’t, you’ll tell yourself that the next one will.

You might lose a little along the way, like your career or your wife or any sense of time—who needs it? Time’s a construct anyway. But you won’t be alone. Not really. You’ll always have the drink. It won’t leave you, it won’t judge you, and it certainly won’t ask you why you’ve been avoiding your friends and family. It’s your constant companion, your most loyal ally.

And so, you march on. Because to stop now would mean facing reality. But you’ve already got this. The party’s just begun, right?

A Final Word from Your Pseudo Unreliable Guide:

While you’ve been perfecting the art of becoming an alcoholic (or perhaps just entertaining the idea), there’s something you should know that we didn’t mention in our “step-by-step process”: the consequences.

Let’s be clear: alcohol isn’t just a fun escape or a way to relax. It's not something you can sip without it taking something from you, too. It doesn't give back; it only takes. Sure, it might seem like the life of the party, always waiting with an open hand and a full bottle—but what it doesn't show you are the long-term costs:

The friends who’ll slip away, unable to watch you spiral without offering a word of concern.

The conversations that start to feel a little emptier each time you stagger home, alone, again.

The moments, once vibrant with joy, now muted and distant as your reality begins to shrink.

It’s easy to get caught up in the instant gratification—the funny, exaggerated escapism that comes with each sip. But there’s something underneath the surface: the shadows creeping in, pulling at your edges. It’s that voice that tells you to keep going, even when you don’t know why. And once you’re there, it's harder to find your way back out.

This is your reminder. If you’re reading this and feel like you’re already too far in, there’s still time. There’s always time to make a change. You are not trapped by your choices, even though it can feel that way. If you find yourself relying on alcohol to cope with life’s stresses, you’re not alone—but you also don’t have to face it alone. Seek help. Reach out. Talk to someone. It might seem impossible, but the hardest part is simply deciding that you want to feel better.

This isn’t the end of your story. It’s only a turning point. You deserve more than the haze of escape.

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